So. Its official. We have the "Perfect Family". "The Million Dollar Family." And we better stop now, or we will ruin everything, and probably not be able to send our kids to Ivey League colleges for $100,000 a pop. Or so goes the compliments and reasoning of one in every third person we talk to now that our little girl is joining her older brother in this world.
Countless people (grocery checkout staff, friends of the family, business acquaintances, the average Joe on the street...) have told us that with the birth of our little girl, we have the perfect family. What makes it perfect? We had a boy, and then we had a girl. "So you have the million dollar family! Just like me!"
I need to come up with a standard response to the "Million Dollar Family" comment often followed with the implied or spoken "And now you can/should stop having kids." The response needs to be both gracious and still drive the point home that we are not seeking to limit or manipulate the blessings and bundles of joy that come our way.
In the past my standard response to the "Million Dollar" comment was: "Now we are shooting for 10 Million." However, this does not get across the idea that we are content with any number of children that the Lord provides.
The "compliments" are actually hard to take sometimes. The reasoning (sometimes without realizing it) is that we humans know what is best for us, whether a boy, a girl, one of each, or only one gender. It is the same reasoning that has led to the gendercide of little girls in India and China, because the parents "know" what gender is best for them.
We are well content with these two precious blessings, and "contentment with godliness is great gain." But we are by no means complacent. We will continue to invest. The only types of millionaires I know of that stop investing after becoming millionaires are those that win the lottery. Lottery winners are not good stewards of their money in the first place, and usually end up spending rather than investing.
- What I have settled on for now is: "Thank-you very much for the compliment. We won't be sitting on our laurels, but will keep on investing."
- Do you have any thoughts on what to say in such a situation? Do you have a standard response?
- With respect to the "Perfect family" comment, I like the response "We are far from perfect, and will seek continued growth in the Lord." What are your responses or thoughts?
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| Sydney Ellen Photography |
The "compliments" are actually hard to take sometimes. The reasoning (sometimes without realizing it) is that we humans know what is best for us, whether a boy, a girl, one of each, or only one gender. It is the same reasoning that has led to the gendercide of little girls in India and China, because the parents "know" what gender is best for them.
- In particular, we will continue to invest in children by seeking more of these precious blessings from God. "The fruit of the womb is a reward, and the children of one's youth is a heritage from the Lord." Again, we have been commanded to be fruitful and multiply on the earth. Deciding to stop at two children is not even the replacement level of around 2.1 children per family.
- We will also continue to invest our hearts and souls in our children, passing on what wisdom we have gleaned, but most importantly showing them the path to eternal life.
- It is impossible to put a price on the family. I view Stephanie as truly invaluable, far above rubies and diamonds. I would not trade my wife or any of our children for a trillion, let alone a million dollars.
With respect to perfection, there is only one way in which anyone in our family is perfect. It is if we are clothed in the righteousness of Christ, having repented of our sinful way of life and are submitting to and following Christ. As a family we see God's wonderful grace and love every day, but we in and of ourselves fall short, and are no more perfect than any other family with 1 girl, 2 girls, 2 boys, or any other number and/or sex of children.
Again, I want to hear from you. What do you think when you hear the Million Dollar or Perfect Family comments? How do you respond?
Another possible response:
ReplyDeleteYou: "Thanks. How many children do you have?" Complimenting person: "2 girls." You: "That's wonderful! Just as perfect as a boy and a girl."
-Andrew
Further summary of comments:
DeleteFrom Dana:
... just smile, and say, "Thanks! I wouldn't trade 'em for a million and two dollars! Thanks!"
From Build A Menu: "Calling my children "blessings" usually gets the point across..."
From Elaine: "Thank you".
One HappyMommy "Yes, our family is perfect for now, and we are looking forward to God making it even better in the future!"
Deleteadorey ". I've just said "I will love all my children regardless of their sex, and I'd be thrilled with another boy if only because I won't need to get any more baby clothes"
Schwarzen Family Missions/To Sow a Seed: "Thank you! We are so very blessed,"
DeleteJeanette: "...glad that my parents hadn't settled for just one girl and one boy, or I wouldn't exist!"
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteBut you do have a million dollar family!
ReplyDeleteYou already had a million dollar family before and with Elisabeth you still do! It's wonderful that you are happy where you are and that being happy has nothing to do with how many children you happen to have, or hope to have.
If there is an implied judgement behind the comments other people's make, those judgements are about the people making them, not about you, whether they realize it or not.
Here's to your million dollar family regardless of the number of people in it!
xo Aunt Jeanette
Thanks Aunt Jeanette! I agree 100%.
Delete- Andrew
We used to get that when we had just the 2 (a boy and then a girl as well), best way to deal with it, is to smile and nod graciously. You are not going to change their mind with anything you say. Just continue your life and as they see your family grow, and see the joy in your family and in your faces as you manage to grocery shop with 6 kids and no whining/fighting/frustrated mommy, you will SHOW them a new way of thinking. People expect you to stop with 2 because A) that's where they stopped and to tell them otherwise, you are insulting their decision and B) they don't train and teach and discipline their children, so dealing with just 2 spoiled rotten brats that can only be controlled when they are fed a diet of chicken nuggets and hand held video games and they need to see that you do it differently. But for now, just smile, and say, "Thanks! I wouldn't trade 'em for a million and two dollars! Thanks!"
ReplyDeletePeople either "get it" or they don't. Responding graciously with a positive response that gives a little hint of your point of view may be the only time they're ever given a reason to think that having more children isn't such a burden after all.
ReplyDeleteWe have five children. We had our two beautiful daughters and chose to adopt three more children. Honestly, it's sad that it seems to baffle people that we would "chose" to do that. We hear "how lucky those kids are" all the time. Truly though, WE are the blessed ones! I've been given the opportunity to do something with my life that truly matters! They are precious beyond words and although it didn't cost a million to adopt them, it was crazy expensive...and worth every single penny. I love, love, love my five children and when I get all the less-than-thoughtful comments (do you have a daycare....are you her "real" mom...) I chose to assume that person doesn't mean to be rude or thoughtless. Calling my children "blessings" usually gets the point across and also lets my children hear how I feel about them in response to those comments.
Your family IS perfect now. And will still be perfect if God gives you three, four, or five children. Congratulations on your beautiful new baby girl!
Karee
All you have to say when someone pays you a compliment is, "Thank you". You are under no obligation to defend yourself or educate the other person. They are operating under a boatload of assumptions and none of it is any of their business. Just be polite.
ReplyDeleteWe received many of these remarks after our second child was born (a girl that came 17 months after her brother). We would tell them that we were not "done" and they would look at us with disgust. "Yes, our family is perfect for now, and we are looking forward to God making it even better in the future!" We now have another daughter and baby #4 due in August. People are so brainwashed by the times we live in, I just do my best to remind them of how much God loves children. Congratulations on your new little one!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on the August ETA!
DeleteAs Elaine, Build-A-Menu, and Dana pointed out, it is important to be gracious.
ReplyDeleteHowever, like One-Happy-Mommy mentioned, the times we live in are dictating many people's thoughts.
It is more important to be content with any and all the children God gives us or them, than to put one type of family on a pedestal.
It is good to graciously allow people to confront their own assumptions.
That gets to me so much! As if my family isn't perfect for me, or would be better if my little D was a girl!? Or the assumption people have when I mention wanting another - "going to try one more time for that girl, huh? That's risky...". I've just said "I will love all my children regardless of their sex, and I'd be thrilled with another boy if only because I won't need to get any more baby clothes" :)
ReplyDeleteAndrea, now that I think about it a second time, I love the response!
DeleteMy hubby and I struggled with infertility for years… I would get the "you've been married 10 (or whatever number) of years, and you still don't have children, you better get started"… and when I would explain our difficulties in carrying a baby to term… people would say horrid things to me. "Well, God probably knows who needs to be parents and who do not" UGH!!! Or, consider yourself blessed, children are a pain! -- WHAT!!! Or, my own Mom, who said "You won't be able to have a baby until you love me the way I need to be loved and respected. OUCH!!! Needless to say, I prayed and prayed… and yes, I asked to be blessed by God and have a baby… but mostly I asked for the Lord's Will to be done. I gave it all to God and His timing. At age 38, I got pregnant with no fertility treatments (and it was a surprise) and after 19 years of marriage. My hubby and I just celebrated 26 years of marriage… and while medically I cannot have another baby, we still pray about our family and welcome any little lives that would come our way. It is in God's hands and He always, always knows best. I enjoyed your article very much.
ReplyDeleteWhat an amazing testimony! Thanks so much for sharing that Amy.
DeleteAgreed. We have 2 girls and 2 boys {our oldest daughter was 2 when we had boy, boy, girl triplets}. People absolutely think we should be done, but we'll just have to wait and see what God has in store.
ReplyDeleteWow! How wonderful!
DeleteI agree that it's rude for people to say such things and ask if you are having more, but I disagree with some comments above. I have a boy and a girl and have chosen to stop there, but it is not because I have 2 spoiled brats who cannot behave in the grocery store. I am training mine well, but I am just not cut out to have more. Kuddos to you and those who are. I applaud you and pray continued blessings for you.
ReplyDeletePeople act like I should be pulling my hair in disbelief that God gave me FOUR girls. I always smile and say what a blessing my girls are to me and how much I enjoy them.
ReplyDeleteYou certainly are blessed! Andrew comes from a family of 4 boys and they are blessed also!
DeleteWe have two boys and a girl, and yes I have already heard the "you're done now right?" comments. It surprised me at first when someone asked. I was absolutely shocked when people were upset that we were having out little girl. The funniest people to get upset at me though were the complete strangers. I would be pumping gas or at the grocery store and people would get upset with me, what was I thinking having another baby. For the record I don't plan on stopping with my daughter we want to have more children as many as God will allow. I am also going to use what you said, " we will continue to invest in children by seeking more of these precious blessings from God." The next time someone questions whether three is enough.
ReplyDeleteWe have eight children. We get plenty of comments, as you can imagine. What I've learned is that you truly cannot know the heart of the person who feels compelled to comment on your family. A gentle, "Thank you! We are so very blessed," leaves the door open for further conversation, if it's warranted, but also makes the point that you view your children as a blessing. Give it a year or so, and it will be obvious that you're not finished yet. :-)
ReplyDeleteWe have four children, two of each as if it really matters, and I get this and many other (often rude) comments on the size of our family. We had a girl first and then a boy; and many people told us to be satisfied with our "perfect" family. I just told people that I was glad that my parents hadn't settled for just one girl and one boy, or I wouldn't exist! My brother has six girls, and I am always amazed at the audacity of people(especially strangers) to ask if he and his wife keep trying because they want a boy. It's such a personal topic, I believe. And just as offensive are the ones who ask childless couples why they don't have any children yet. It's insensitive and frankly, none of their business.
ReplyDelete